I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
