So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
