You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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