I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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