You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
