then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
