my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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