The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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