Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
