what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
