I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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