I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
