You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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