I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
They took my balls.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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