I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
