I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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