We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
