The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
