who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
