Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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