You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize