well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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