who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
