Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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