Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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