I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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