I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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