Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
