I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
