Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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