Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
