Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
