At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
