Ambien. No doubt about it.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize