He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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