R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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