If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
