Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
