Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
