how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We left the knife in your bed.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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