Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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