you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize