Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your penis caused this!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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