i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
