worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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