I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
