Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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