Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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