dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
