he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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