We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
