all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Randomize