you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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