There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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