you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
