yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
