got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
