hotel room ftw
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
