Welp...herpes.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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