If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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