i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
