Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
