In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
