she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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