On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
