He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
