The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
