Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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