I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
