mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
