I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
