I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
