My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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