I met the friendliest cop last night
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
