She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
