If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
