You really coming over, don't trick.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
