my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
