Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
