If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
