Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
ok first of all what the fuck
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
