Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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